"If you know you're going to look back on today and laugh, you
might as well start laughing now."
Anonymous
"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."
Anonymous
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and
a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot
possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at
or repair."
Douglas Adams
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysics
exam; I looked into the soul of the boy nest to me."
Woody Allen
"I have received memos so swollen with managerial babble that
they struck me as the literary equivalent of assault with a deadly weapon."
Peter Baida
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Erma Bombeck
"I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for
three days."
Daniel Boone
"The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-
inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead."
Robert Brault
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance,
everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him."
Dereke Bruce
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call
whatever you hit the target."
Ashleigh Brilliant
"My karma ran over my dogma."
Bumper Sticker
"Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball."
Mitzi Chandler
"There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and
stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe."
Albert Einstein
"We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there
is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted."
H.R. Halderman
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about
other people."
Lucille S. Harper
"It is cheering to see that the rats are still around - the
ship is not sinking."
Eric Hoffer
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving
at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
Willam James
"It's a fact the whole world knows,
That Pobbles are happier without their toes. "
Edward Lear
"Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an
awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two
kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs."
Christopher Morley
"One always writes comedy at the moment of deepest hysteria."
V.S. Naipaul
"Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers."
Erik Pepke
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William
Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
Dan Rather
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us
out?"
Will Rogers
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one's work is terribly important."
Betrand Russell
"Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest
when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely
to be creamed?"
Solomon Short
"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch
with it."
Jane Wagner
"I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his
ability."
Oscar Wilde
"If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the
push-button finger."
Frank Lloyd Wright
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a
light side, and it holds the Universe together."
Carl Zwanig
